I don’t know what it is but something feels different. It’s like a presence has been lifted and it took some of the deeper scars of my past with it. The fresh ones are still here and so are most of the old ones, but a few of the more sinister wounds have healed.
It almost feels peaceful in my head, like I can just stay in this moment and ride the wave of serenity. But I know where that wave will lead me. The jagged rocks below the surface will break it into a violent and choppy broil which will cast me down onto the cruel and twisted island that my mind calls home, just as it has countless times before. This short reprieve won’t go unappreciated though; I’ll make the most of it and enjoy myself as much as I can before the storm returns bringing the old clouds with it.
Last night I prayed to a god I don’t believe in. I prayed for the pain to ease up for just a moment. I prayed for the mental anguish to fade away. I prayed for the voices to stop and their noise to be obscured into nothing but a memory. I prayed for the icy blood to stop pumping through my veins. I prayed for her to be better because that’s what she deserves. I prayed for this to be the last bottle she had to throw. I put my heart into an idea which to me feels like nothing but a way for people to control others because I have nothing left to try. It was a last minute chance like a dying dog getting sudden energy to chase a stick one last time.
I woke up in my room. Except it’s not my room, it’s longer and has two exits rather than one, but I wouldnt notice this till later. Looking around, I saw that each corner had a pile of sharp and twisted pieces of broken memories discarded like trash. Each piece threatened to topple the pile and spill warped versions of the past across the room.
I couldn’t stay there, I had to leave. So I walked out of my door and into the hallway. There I saw that my neighbours door was open which is very strange so I walked in to check that everything was ok. I stood in her doorway for a moment staring blankly, still trying to make my eyes adjust to the lighting in the hallway. That’s when I realised two things; I had just walked into a strangers residence unannounced, and I hadn’t gotten dressed before leaving my flat. Hurriedly I backed out of there and went back into my own place.
The heavy door slammed behind me and sent a shockwave through the room, disrupting the tenuous balance that was keeping those broken memories stacked. Shards flew everywhere, careening off in all directions. It’s a miracle I didn’t get impaled but any that came towards me seemed to suddenly lose momentum and drop to the ground.
While picking up the pieces I began to notice that some of them could fit together to make something whole and far less sinister than they had seemed before, so I started piecing them all together. When I was done I realised that even though they were whole they were still warped and cracked, they could never be what they were supposed to be.
Then I woke up.
Today I did nothing. I just sat in my chair staring at the desktop screen of my laptop trying to think of something to do but finding no inspiration. I feel empty, like all desire and drive is gone. I miss having purpose and wanting to do things, but now everything seems pointless. I can’t help but think about how meaningless everything is; we are not capable of meaningful actions because anything we do will be forgotten. We live and we consume then we die. Our existence doesn’t span more than a few moments in the grand scheme of things so why does it matter? Soon the world will be consumed by the sun exploding as it dies and there will be no record of human existence other than a few pieces of debris in space and the odd radio signal yet to die off. It’s strange how my mind feels both empty and bursting at the seams at the same time, but in some way it feels like that’s how things should be.
Today my mother said I sounded just like him when I said something. She doesn’t know what you did so had no reason to understand that hearing it would hurt, but that doesn’t change the reaction in my mind.
In that moment all that I wanted to do was reach into my skin and dig around till I found a vein, then pull it and watch as the lattice of connected blood vessels rose to the surface only to tear and spill the fluid that had been keeping me alive.
I wanted to reach into my chest and pull out my lungs, squeezing them until every last puff of air had left then watch my body slowly shut down step by step as it ran out of oxygen.
I wanted to pull apart the atoms in my every cell, leaving no bonds unbroken so that I could never be anything like him ever again.
My CPU is running at 110% of the natural capacity, never dropping back into the range of its natural capability and it’s threatening to burn out. Constantly humming as it runs through calculations of possible future, past and present perceptions of the world. The better ones are always there just out of reach, mocking reality through the harsh glass of recent events. The reflections of the past glaring at me covering what could have been in a sinister haze of what can never be.
This is all done in the background, to the observer there is nothing going on, no visible windows just the deafening sound of the processor running overtime. If this continues immolation will be inevitable, the candle is being burned on both ends and there is no wind that can extinguish it.
You’ve given me a type of power I don’t want. I’ve had this power before and acted on it – one of the worst decisions of my life. You gave me the power to turn around at any point I choose and destroy everything for you. Ironic, because when you did it I felt powerless to do anything even though the only thing I wanted to do in that moment was punch until the squirming stopped. And that scared me. That’s why I just laid there letting it happen. Because I was afraid that I wouldn’t be able to stop if I did anything to protect myself.
Now I’m afraid too, I’m afraid that I’ll use the power you gave me and I’ll go too far with it, leaving you with nothing. I’m actually considering doing that now even though I swore I’d never do something like that again. But now you made me want to and gave me the means with which to do it. Should I get the authorities involved or should I keep this on an interpersonal scale? That’s up to you. It depends on a few factors and answers that you give. It depends on how you react when I confront you about it. It depends on how much you deserve it. Some would be far less lenient than I have but I suppose that doesn’t matter because it’s not them you did it to. And now I have to decide. I have to make one of the most nerve wracking decisions in my life. The ball is in my court here and it’s coming down to the wire.
So, what would you do?