An autumn leaf sways gently. It’s stem holds fast to the tree with dead fibers, remaining in place only because they have yet to break. A more enthusiastic gust could pluck the leaf from it’s home, sending it tumbling down to join the rest of the detritus on the ground.
A passer-by remains oblivious to the dance of this leaf as it gets caught in his slipstream, twirling through the air as it glides off the path and onto an unkempt lawn.
A swallow swoops down to snatch the leaf from the ground, gliding on the wind to return to it’s home amongst the trees. The leaf is home once more but is not the same as it once was. No longer alone, the leaf is nestled amongst mud and twigs with more dead leaves held between them. Now it is protected and can atrophy undisturbed by further wind.
I’ll start off by saying that if I have misinterpreted your intended recipient then I’m sorry and you can proceed to disregard this (not that I think you would anyway).
In a way you’re right – I’m looking for an opportunity, a way out. I’ve known for a while that it will be difficult to find one, but probability and chaos suggest that there is going to be one. If I am looking at the time then I will take it. I know what a chance would mean to me and how I would recognise it, but it isn’t something I can articulate.
Part of the problem is that I feel trapped. I got a job in hopes that a sense of responsibility would change things, but now it not only feels like I am in a cage but there is a guard telling me when and how to breathe.
I am under no illusion that things are guaranteed to be better past the way out but I am willing to roll the dice. At this point, carrying on due to not knowing seems worse than the alternative.
All of this doesn’t mean I’m not looking for other ways to change it, quite the opposite in fact. I just don’t want to try indefinitely.
There is no purpose in life except that which we ascribe to it in any given moment of observation. One moment your purpose could be to find your way to your next meal, the next it could be to gaze into the eyes of your beloved one more time. Should you ever find your life without meaning, don’t panic! Simply remember that this is ok – you’re experiencing a moment of clarity. Whether you live or die at any given point of time means nothing in the long run. Make of that what you will but keep in mind that your purpose is what you make it and you have the unique opportunity to consciously choose your next purpose because of your current lack of meaning.
An important part of having a purpose which is often overlooked is that you don’t need to have a purpose. If you so choose you can reject purpose in life and embrace the lack of meaning. If you have nothing to keep you going and don’t want something then you shouldn’t feel pressure to give yourself a reason. Instead, try to evaluate why it is that you don’t want one and look at whether you already have a hidden purpose. You may be surprised at what you find. If you find nothing then you might not need a purpose in this moment.
For the uninitiated, packet loss is a term used in computer networking to refer to the loss of data packets when communicating between two computer systems or networks. There are some ways in which packet loss can be considered analogous to the way in which I struggle in life.
When writing I know the exact shape that the letters should take, I know exactly how my body should move in order to transfer ink to paper in such a manner to have the words take perfect form, yet I find myself unable to scrawl them down in a commonly legible manner. My fingertips miss the finer details of the motions and as a result the words become sloppy and unrecogniseable to those who have not taken time to decipher my script in the past.
An explanation of my thoughts and understanding may rest firmly in my mind in perfect form, yet my mouth betrays me. I become unable to send the words from consciousness to voice, unable even to express their sentiment.
Some nights I wake up in cold sweats, my pillow soaked and my skin clammy. If I’m laying on my back there’ll be a small pool of sweat in the center of my chest. I’ve tried everything – medicated antiperspirants, sleeping with a fan on and the windows open, sleeping without a duvet. None of it works. I just wish I could leave this body and be done with it, no more flipping over the pillow half way through the night because the side I’m using is damp. No more showers in the middle of the night to wash away the sweat. But unfortunately that’s not likely to happen any time soon.
I remember a time when I used to be full of passion, always motivated. A burning force that drove me to do everything I ever wanted or needed to do. A passion so strong that it felt like if I wasn’t working towards something I was choking, strangled by my own zeal.
But that’s the thing about choking, eventually you will inevitably stop fighting and embrace it. Even just for a short time, and when you’re choking you lose the strength to go back to breathing. The vehemence and desire to be something more was the first thing to die, without oxygen the fires of passion stopped burning and began to smoulder. No longer could it drive me forwards.
When you’re choking someone your muscles eventually fatigue and lose the power that let you grip their throat. Your hold on them wanes until you no longer put any pressure on them. Your hand just stays there; a distant reminder of what you once could do, and then it falls away. Never again to reach up and grab them.
That’s what happened to my passion. I let it burn too strong for too long until one day it had consumed me, leaving nothing but ash. Now when I think of things I want or need to do I don’t feel anything driving me to do them, I just leave them be out of habit. The fuel is there but the spark of life has gone, like a car with a full tank of gas but a dead battery and a faulty alternator. Sure, you can jump start it for a short burst of motion but that doesn’t fix the underlying issue. Nothing to keep that battery charged, no power to keep that spark alive. Completely useless without someone that has some energy to spare, and even then the moment it stops I’m back to square one but with a bit less fuel than before.
Over the past year or so I’ve been stuck in a hole of procrastination, unable to motivate myself to do anything. This ranges from simple things like turning the light off at night or opening the curtains in the morning all the way through to important tasks like university coursework.
My days are spent dossing around doing nothing useful – mostly scrolling through facebook or watching crap on YouTube. It gets to the point where every single day when I go to bed I promise myself tomorrow. Tomorrow will be the day I finally start that project. Tomorrow I will get my hair cut. Tomorrow I will tidy my room. Tomorrow I will jump off the bridge.
That’s right. Even though I’m suicidal and want nothing more than death, I lack the motivation to get off my arse and fucking do it. What a pathetic existence.
The trouble with tomorrow is that it never means today. When I wake up in the morning I plan to do all the things I need to do. I then boot up my laptop and open up YouTube or Facebook without a second thought. Each video I watch or post I read I will tell myself that afterwards I will start being productive. But I never do.
Now I have more work to do than can be feasibly done in the timeframe in which I must do it. Rather than kicking me into gear it has given me thoughts pertaining to not bothering to start since it’s useless trying.
Every breath I take is a waste of oxygen; used in order to do nothing but continue existing for the sake of it. Every waking moment is a waste of my time; used for nothing worthwhile. Every meal I eat is a waste of food; used to fuel nothing but watching pointless media.
I’m stuck in a hole of demotivation and I wouldn’t see the top even if I could convince myself to try.