Many times I have been given a chance to change things, whether that’s from finding a new friend group or being in a different environment. The trouble is that I don’t know what I need to change about myself to give myself a chance at a happy life. I can feel that there is something – there always has been, something that keeps me coming back to this place in my mind. I just don’t know what it is.

I like to think that given the chance to understand what makes me how I am, I would take it. But the truth is that I don’t think I would recognise the chance, because when I’m stuck in this headspace I struggle to see the choices I’m making. I do things and don’t understand why at the time, it can often seem like they just happen regardless of the course of action I choose – even though I want the opposite of those things to happen. I subconsciously self sabotage and prevent that change because I’m so used to things being how they are that I’m worried they will get worse as a result of my efforts to escape. I’m scared that I don’t know how to be any different and I’m doomed to remain this way forever.

These are my factory settings and I don’t have the administrator password.

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One thought on “Of Chance And Change.

  1. You can go a lifetime trying to find a password, or you can employe a hacker. Someone who knows the inner workings of computers and how to reprogram it piece by piece. Unfortunately, the human mind is quite literally that. A computer that can be coded by the life we lead and the people we meet as well as the internal systems set to run and read those codes a certain way. You can ask them to help you take apart and understand different parts of your code. You can test little bits of your programming piece by piece to find out which previously etched in experience or thought processes exist and why. It can allow you, not to start again, but to upgrade the current version. Upgrades are always happening, as long as time moves forward. You can put your little 1 in the corner of the app of life and claim you’ll do it when you find a life line power source but unless you’re willing to deal with the fact it’ll be shut for a while, you just have to push it one day and hope

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