Many times I have been given a chance to change things, whether that’s from finding a new friend group or being in a different environment. The trouble is that I don’t know what I need to change about myself to give myself a chance at a happy life. I can feel that there is something – there always has been, something that keeps me coming back to this place in my mind. I just don’t know what it is.
I like to think that given the chance to understand what makes me how I am, I would take it. But the truth is that I don’t think I would recognise the chance, because when I’m stuck in this headspace I struggle to see the choices I’m making. I do things and don’t understand why at the time, it can often seem like they just happen regardless of the course of action I choose – even though I want the opposite of those things to happen. I subconsciously self sabotage and prevent that change because I’m so used to things being how they are that I’m worried they will get worse as a result of my efforts to escape. I’m scared that I don’t know how to be any different and I’m doomed to remain this way forever.
These are my factory settings and I don’t have the administrator password.