Today I was at a train station, as I got to the platform there was a train approaching which wasn’t stopping there.
I was at the start of the platform quite near the edge. I looked back and as I watched the train rapidly close the distance, there was a moment where I didn’t know if I was going to jump.
Then that moment passed. I stood helpless as the carriages barrelled past me. A pang of regret hit my stomach as tears silently danced down my cheeks. I turned around to walk down the platform to a spot where I could board the train home, and then I saw her.
A woman about my age had been watching me. Her face portrayed a morbid curiosity. No concern or empathy, just intrigue. She saw that I noticed her and gave a short frown accompanied by a shrug then went back to reading her paper.
This is unfortunately the world we live in, one where someone can see a man in so much turmoil and pain that he gazes wistfully into death, and callously watch as though hoping to see something entertaining.
That is not a world I want to be in.
Yesterday I woke up at 7. I went downstairs to get a cup of tea, grabbed a mug, put the teabag in, then stuck the kettle on. The next thing I know it’s 9:30 and I’m just waking up in bed. At first I thought nothing of it, but when I went downstairs the mug was in the exact place where I thought I had put it.
Weird, right? I lost two hours of my memory. I have no recollection of what happened between me turning on the kettle and waking up two hours later. The thing is, it’s not the first time this has happened.
Back in uni, one day I was walking to a lecture and it happened. I woke up in bed again a few hours later, but my face was covered in blood (most likely a nose bleed or something). Again I have circumstantial evidence that it wasn’t just a dream – I had been texting someone that morning and the texts were still there, including one saying I had just left the student halls.
I don’t know what causes these and the only correlation I can see is that I seem to abandon what I’m doing then wake up in bed afterwards. There are other times it has happened but I won’t bore you with the details. It isn’t a frequent enough occurrence that I would consider it a pattern; just something somewhat concerning.
Many times I have been given a chance to change things, whether that’s from finding a new friend group or being in a different environment. The trouble is that I don’t know what I need to change about myself to give myself a chance at a happy life. I can feel that there is something – there always has been, something that keeps me coming back to this place in my mind. I just don’t know what it is.
I like to think that given the chance to understand what makes me how I am, I would take it. But the truth is that I don’t think I would recognise the chance, because when I’m stuck in this headspace I struggle to see the choices I’m making. I do things and don’t understand why at the time, it can often seem like they just happen regardless of the course of action I choose – even though I want the opposite of those things to happen. I subconsciously self sabotage and prevent that change because I’m so used to things being how they are that I’m worried they will get worse as a result of my efforts to escape. I’m scared that I don’t know how to be any different and I’m doomed to remain this way forever.
These are my factory settings and I don’t have the administrator password.