Why did he do it?

That is something only he can know and I suspect that he currently hasn’t thought about it enough to know.

Does he know that I am aware?

Doubtful. He probably thinks he got away with it. No harm done, nobody affected. But even so I lay awake at night unable to sleep, not feeling comfortable with the thought of being in my own bed.

Is this the first time?

I bloody well hope so. I don’t even want to think about him having done that before. It makes my skin crawl. Especially since he’s seen how people are damaged by this sort of thing.

Would he do it again?

I’m not sure, I think if he doesn’t see some form of repercussion he might, but if he sees how it has impacted me then he’d never dream of it.

Does he understand why it’s wrong?

I’m not sure that he does. Of course, that doesn’t change what he did and it doesn’t make it any better – but at least I’ll understand why if he didn’t realise that’s what he was doing.

Should I confront him or leave it in the past?

If I sweep this under the rug and act like nothing happened I won’t be able to deal with it – I’ll go insane or have to cut ties with everyone I know. They all associate my presence with his. If one of us is there then the other likely isn’t far behind. I can’t keep that up. Not now.

What’s the next step?

It can’t be the police – this is something that needs to be solved via interpersonal means. Something which I’ve never been good at, and he can barely grasp the basics of it. I’ll need to talk to someone who has been in a similar situation before.

Who can I talk to about it?

I could talk to a professional but that would mean there is some form of permanent record of it. I don’t think his intent at the time would justify something that damages his future to that degree. Perhaps a friend that I can trust? No, even now I can’t do that to him – I can’t turn his already small friend group against him, especially not now that he’s closed the circle. It would leave him with nothing. There it is again, my unrelenting sense of loyalty biting me in the as even through this shit. Am I that person who just rolls over and takes the hit because I can’t bring myself to bring the appropriate justice to course?

How do I confront him?

That’s a heavy question. I don’t even know where to start or if he will understand without just locking everything out and becoming defensive. I imagine he’ll just brush it off as something he didn’t think about at the time but that doesn’t justify his actions, it points out a much larger flaw in character. One that I’ve tried to fix for years but he never quite gets the point.

How do I sleep at night now?

The one person I thought I could trust with anything, the only person for which my sense of loyalty had never wavered and he does that? While he thought I was asleep, too. He was going to just hide it from me and continue like nothing had happened. Is that all he thinks of me? I often just lay there for hours at a time thinking about it, trying not to vomit out of disgust at the notion. Usually I give up trying to sleep at about 3AM and start the day early, drained of energy with no drive to keep going and get things done, too tired to function.

Can I ever go back to how things were before?

I have no idea how to even begin.


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