A Dream.

I woke up in my room. Except it’s not my room, it’s longer and has two exits rather than one, but I wouldnt notice this till later. Looking around, I saw that each corner had a pile of sharp and twisted pieces of broken memories discarded like trash. Each piece threatened to topple the pile and spill warped versions of the past across the room.

I couldn’t stay there, I had to leave. So I walked out of my door and into the hallway. There I saw that my neighbours door was open which is very strange so I walked in to check that everything was ok. I stood in her doorway for a moment staring blankly, still trying to make my eyes adjust to the lighting in the hallway. That’s when I realised two things; I had just walked into a strangers residence unannounced, and I hadn’t gotten dressed before leaving my flat. Hurriedly I backed out of there and went back into my own place.

The heavy door slammed behind me and sent a shockwave through the room, disrupting the tenuous balance that was keeping those broken memories stacked. Shards flew everywhere, careening off in all directions. It’s a miracle I didn’t get impaled but any that came towards me seemed to suddenly lose momentum and drop to the ground.

While picking up the pieces I began to notice that some of them could fit together to make something whole and far less sinister than they had seemed before, so I started piecing them all together. When I was done I realised that even though they were whole they were still warped and cracked, they could never be what they were supposed to be.

Then I woke up.

Advertisements

Today.

Today I did nothing. I just sat in my chair staring at the desktop screen of my laptop trying to think of something to do but finding no inspiration. I feel empty, like all desire and drive is gone. I miss having purpose and wanting to do things, but now everything seems pointless. I can’t help but think about how meaningless everything is; we are not capable of meaningful actions because anything we do will be forgotten. We live and we consume then we die. Our existence doesn’t span more than a few moments in the grand scheme of things so why does it matter? Soon the world will be consumed by the sun exploding as it dies and there will be no record of human existence other than a few pieces of debris in space and the odd radio signal yet to die off. It’s strange how my mind feels both empty and bursting at the seams at the same time, but in some way it feels like that’s how things should be.

You Sounded Just Like Him.

Today my mother said I sounded just like him when I said something. She doesn’t know what you did so had no reason to understand that hearing it would hurt, but that doesn’t change the reaction in my mind.

In that moment all that I wanted to do was reach into my skin and dig around till I found a vein, then pull it and watch as the lattice of connected blood vessels rose to the surface only to tear and spill the fluid that had been keeping me alive.

I wanted to reach into my chest and pull out my lungs, squeezing them until every last puff of air had left then watch my body slowly shut down step by step as it ran out of oxygen.

I wanted to pull apart the atoms in my every cell, leaving no bonds unbroken so that I could never be anything like him ever again.

Processing.

My CPU is running at 110% of the natural capacity, never dropping back into the range of its natural capability and it’s threatening to burn out. Constantly humming as it runs through calculations of possible future, past and present perceptions of the world. The better ones are always there just out of reach, mocking reality through the harsh glass of recent events. The reflections of the past glaring at me covering what could have been in a sinister haze of what can never be.

This is all done in the background, to the observer there is nothing going on, no visible windows just the deafening sound of the processor running overtime. If this continues immolation will be inevitable, the candle is being burned on both ends and there is no wind that can extinguish it.

Power.

You’ve given me a type of power I don’t want. I’ve had this power before and acted on it – one of the worst decisions of my life. You gave me the power to turn around at any point I choose and destroy everything for you. Ironic, because when you did it I felt powerless to do anything even though the only thing I wanted to do in that moment was punch until the squirming stopped. And that scared me. That’s why I just laid there letting it happen. Because I was afraid that I wouldn’t be able to stop if I did anything to protect myself.

Now I’m afraid too, I’m afraid that I’ll use the power you gave me and I’ll go too far with it, leaving you with nothing. I’m actually considering doing that now even though I swore I’d never do something like that again. But now you made me want to and gave me the means with which to do it. Should I get the authorities involved or should I keep this on an interpersonal scale? That’s up to you. It depends on a few factors and answers that you give. It depends on how you react when I confront you about it. It depends on how much you deserve it. Some would be far less lenient than I have but I suppose that doesn’t matter because it’s not them you did it to. And now I have to decide. I have to make one of the most nerve wracking decisions in my life. The ball is in my court here and it’s coming down to the wire.

So, what would you do?

Questions.

Why did he do it?

That is something only he can know and I suspect that he currently hasn’t thought about it enough to know.

Does he know that I am aware?

Doubtful. He probably thinks he got away with it. No harm done, nobody affected. But even so I lay awake at night unable to sleep, not feeling comfortable with the thought of being in my own bed.

Is this the first time?

I bloody well hope so. I don’t even want to think about him having done that before. It makes my skin crawl. Especially since he’s seen how people are damaged by this sort of thing.

Would he do it again?

I’m not sure, I think if he doesn’t see some form of repercussion he might, but if he sees how it has impacted me then he’d never dream of it.

Does he understand why it’s wrong?

I’m not sure that he does. Of course, that doesn’t change what he did and it doesn’t make it any better – but at least I’ll understand why if he didn’t realise that’s what he was doing.

Should I confront him or leave it in the past?

If I sweep this under the rug and act like nothing happened I won’t be able to deal with it – I’ll go insane or have to cut ties with everyone I know. They all associate my presence with his. If one of us is there then the other likely isn’t far behind. I can’t keep that up. Not now.

What’s the next step?

It can’t be the police – this is something that needs to be solved via interpersonal means. Something which I’ve never been good at, and he can barely grasp the basics of it. I’ll need to talk to someone who has been in a similar situation before.

Who can I talk to about it?

I could talk to a professional but that would mean there is some form of permanent record of it. I don’t think his intent at the time would justify something that damages his future to that degree. Perhaps a friend that I can trust? No, even now I can’t do that to him – I can’t turn his already small friend group against him, especially not now that he’s closed the circle. It would leave him with nothing. There it is again, my unrelenting sense of loyalty biting me in the as even through this shit. Am I that person who just rolls over and takes the hit because I can’t bring myself to bring the appropriate justice to course?

How do I confront him?

That’s a heavy question. I don’t even know where to start or if he will understand without just locking everything out and becoming defensive. I imagine he’ll just brush it off as something he didn’t think about at the time but that doesn’t justify his actions, it points out a much larger flaw in character. One that I’ve tried to fix for years but he never quite gets the point.

How do I sleep at night now?

The one person I thought I could trust with anything, the only person for which my sense of loyalty had never wavered and he does that? While he thought I was asleep, too. He was going to just hide it from me and continue like nothing had happened. Is that all he thinks of me? I often just lay there for hours at a time thinking about it, trying not to vomit out of disgust at the notion. Usually I give up trying to sleep at about 3AM and start the day early, drained of energy with no drive to keep going and get things done, too tired to function.

Can I ever go back to how things were before?

I have no idea how to even begin.