Over the past year or so I’ve been stuck in a hole of procrastination, unable to motivate myself to do anything. This ranges from simple things like turning the light off at night or opening the curtains in the morning all the way through to important tasks like university coursework.
My days are spent dossing around doing nothing useful – mostly scrolling through facebook or watching crap on YouTube. It gets to the point where every single day when I go to bed I promise myself tomorrow. Tomorrow will be the day I finally start that project. Tomorrow I will get my hair cut. Tomorrow I will tidy my room. Tomorrow I will jump off the bridge.
That’s right. Even though I’m suicidal and want nothing more than death, I lack the motivation to get off my arse and fucking do it. What a pathetic existence.
The trouble with tomorrow is that it never means today. When I wake up in the morning I plan to do all the things I need to do. I then boot up my laptop and open up YouTube or Facebook without a second thought. Each video I watch or post I read I will tell myself that afterwards I will start being productive. But I never do.
Now I have more work to do than can be feasibly done in the timeframe in which I must do it. Rather than kicking me into gear it has given me thoughts pertaining to not bothering to start since it’s useless trying.
Every breath I take is a waste of oxygen; used in order to do nothing but continue existing for the sake of it. Every waking moment is a waste of my time; used for nothing worthwhile. Every meal I eat is a waste of food; used to fuel nothing but watching pointless media.
I’m stuck in a hole of demotivation and I wouldn’t see the top even if I could convince myself to try.