I don’t quite know how to say this, which is why I’m writing this blog in the hopes that one day you’ll stumble across it. I need you to see this but I’m not ready to tell you. The time isn’t right yet.
You know how I feel about life in general but your presence is more than enough to lift me from those depths. I think about anything I have fully enjoyed for the last year and you’re always there. When I get high I can’t help but smile because it makes me think of you. When I drink it’s to take my mind off of knowing that your heart is reserved for someone else.
Sometimes I see clouds that look like you for a fleeting moment and my heart skips a beat, then I remember you’re not actually there and those clouds turn dark, seeping into my mind like tendrils of some beast wanting to tear me apart. My thoughts go back to the darkness.
That wretched big black dog returns to me, guarding the door to happiness. Locked back in my cage of sorrow, I can’t help but consider finally putting an end to it. For as much that place haunts me it feels more like home than anywhere I’ve been for a long time.
Then you come along and show me that those shackles were never closed. The bars on that cage were never close enough to contain me. When you’re near the dog crawls back to the shadows. The door is open.
But I never walk through it. I can’t. I’m not ready to follow you. I assure you that I’ll go through in a moment and tell you not to wait for me but I know I won’t. It’s not because I don’t want to, I really do. It’s because I’m scared. I haven’t felt the other side of that door in so long that I can’t help but feel like if I go through it won’t be for long. The dog will hunt me down and drag me back with it’s teeth leaving long and deep scars like a knife. I’m afraid that if I go through I’ll risk exposing you to that damned dog. If I were to do that I could never forgive myself.
I know you’ve met him before, I can see it in your eyes. I can smell it in the air around you, it’s something that can never fully leave. The scars from its teeth never really fade. I know I can’t change that but at least I can stop him from finding you. So yes, I’ll stay in the darkness and yes I’ll return to my cage, strapping myself into the shackles. I’ll watch the door longing for you to open it again but also dreading the day you do because it means you’re coming back down here.
See, the dog isn’t keeping me here away from you, I’m keeping the dog down here to protect you. I live for those brief moments when the door is open because I know I’ll feel your touch once more but at the same time each second that you’re here feels like a knife is being twisted in my chest because I can’t stand the thought of you feeling this darkness.
You are the light in my darkest hour, the laughter in my sea of pain, the fire in a world of ice. That is why I’m so sorry to put you through this. It’s not fair on you for me to say this but I don’t think I can hold it any longer.
I love you.